Friday Fictioneers – Grapevine


This is the first time I am attempting to do this, so bear with me 🙂  My fiction piece is 160 words long.  I know it is supposed to be 100 words.  I couldn’t figure out how to get it down without losing something of the story. Maybe someone else can figure it out!

The idea behind Friday Fictioneers is that you submit a 100 word flash fiction story associated with the picture challenge added the previous Wednesday. You can read the other submissions this week on Madison’s Blog here: madison-woods.com/index-of-stories/grapevines/. There is also a Facebook Page too specially for Friday Fictioneers and you can find it here: www.facebook.com/FridayFictioneers.

If you’d like to know the rules then this is the page to visit:madison-woods.com/friday-fictioneers.

This week’s photo is titled Grapevine and is copyright to Roxann Phillips

Crunch, munch. Crunch, munch. Wiggy sat comfortably on the cool green carpet. It was a sunny day and he was enjoying himself as he sat in his elevated position, watching the world go by and slowly eating his way through the greens that surrounded him.

Suddenly something loomed over him, blocking his view. He studied it for a full minute, taking in the rounded white dome and the black dot in the centre. His tiny brain strained under the pressure of trying to figure out what this anomaly could be. A shiver ran the full length of his fat white body. He did not know what this great alien thing was but he knew to be frightened. As fast as his tiny feet could carry him, he scampered off to the safety of the thick forest that was his home.

“Judieeee” shouted John, as he straightened his creaking joints, “get the bug spray. We have worms on our grapes again.”

Copyright  ©  200712 by Karen Payze

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43 Comments

    • Thanks 🙂

  1. The word count isn’t rigid and I love this just as it is. If you really wanted to constrict it then I guess the first paragraph could be slashed quite a bit. Do you usually write long things? I struggle to write to length so flash fiction suits me well. But flash can be up to about 500 words 🙂

    • Thanks 🙂 It’s the first time I have attempted such a short piece of fiction. My blog posts are usually between 500 and 1000 or so words but I try not to restrict my writing. I prefer it to flow 🙂

      • They say (whoever they are!) that it focusses the writer on what is really needed to write to a strict word limit! I like your writing 🙂

        • Thank you, you’re very kind 😀

  2. I wouldn’t shorten this. Its brilliant 😀

    • Thanks 😀

  3. rgayer55

    Cute story. We have a few grapevines and the Japanese beetles tend to attack like it’s Pearl Harbor. Welcome To Friday Flash Fictioneers. I think you’ll really enjoy it and make a lot of new friends–I know I have.

    http://russellgayer.blogspot.com/

    • Thanks I know I will enjoy it 😀

  4. Great job. Welcome. Hope you continue with this.

    • Thanks 😀 I will keep trying!

  5. Cute story, Karen. I wouldn’t change the story line but I do have a suggestion. If your were to change some of your passive voice such as.
    Suggestion: Change: It was a sunny day and he was enjoying himself as he sat in his elevated position, watching the world go by and slowly eating his way through the greens that surrounded him.
    To something like this: Wiggy enjoyed the sunny day in his elevated position. While he slowly ate his way through the surrounding greens he watched the world go by.
    I hope I’m not discouraging. Keep at it. As you go and practice you start to see where you can tighten and economize your words. The more you tighten, the more impact. It’s a process. keep coming back!

    • Yes, thanks. I do tend to use passive voice quite a lot. Something I have to work on 🙂 thanks for your comment!

      • The passive voice thing is something I had to learn early on in my writing passion. Just don’t take them all out. You need some for balance. And I agree with another writer later on in this thread. Stronger verbs…less adverbs. Although in looking back on your story I don’t see that as a problem. Keep at it, the gift is there. This is a great exercise for fine tuning.

        • Thank you for your encouragement and support 😀

    • Thank you very much 😀

  6. Hi Karen: Welcome to FF’s. Cute story…love the ending. In time, you will find writing 100 words not as difficult as you think. Tip: If you need a chuckle, be sure to read Russell. He keeps us entertained every week. I’m #68 on the list.

    • Thanks 🙂 will look out for Russell

      • oh yes, found his story! Was very good 🙂

  7. Dear karen,

    Nice POV for your story. I like the two perspectives. Wonder how far he can run?

    Aloha,

    Doug

    http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/07/19/sweet-wine-and-the-fullness-of-time/

    • Probably not far enough haha! Thanks for the comment 🙂

  8. You can easily remove repetitious words and short phrases, concentratiing on the prepositional phrases and adverbs that really don’t strengthen the verbs. Taking out 60 words is a piece of pie. I once reduced a 150 page screenplay to 98 pages without losing any meat. Email me if you want some examples from your short. Ex-English teacher stuff. : )

    • Well I have to say I am in awe of you 🙂 I tend to be quite long winded even when I’m being short winded hahaha 😉 thanks for the comment and you’re welcome to send me any suggestions. Have a lovely day!

  9. I hope he’s safe, but that spray can be powerful stuff! Really enjoyable read. Welcome to the Fictioneers.
    Beste, Mikaela

    http://mysocalleddutchlife.wordpress.com/2012/07/19/through-the-grapevine-ff-200712/

    • Thanks 🙂 and thank you for the comment. Looking forward to doing a lot more writing through the Friday fictioneers 🙂

  10. Hello again Karen: Tks for visiting me. A few young readers didn’t understand what I meant by Strawberry Fields so I added a note w/a few photos at the end. If you have time and need an explanation, please revisit. Tks. Lora

    • I’m young but not that young 😀 I really did enjoy the story!

  11. Welcome and glad you decided to have a go and get involved Karen.It was a lovely first attempt and a nice balance of perspective – I enjoyed it. If you are looking to cut it down you could rephrase some of the first two paragraphs without losing too much of the sense, but actually it’s OK to have it at 160 words – no one is really counting.

    • Thanks, Linda 🙂 Oh, did you see my comment on twitter? Something has gone wrong and I cannot access your blog from mine anymore. When I click on your from my blog, it comes up saying your blog doesn’t exist 🙂 I thought I would unfollow and then re-follow you on my blog and if you could do the same on your side. Don’t know if it will fix anything but may help.

      • Mmmm, that’s very odd as it’s built into the wordpress.com software and I’ve not moved or changed anything here to affect it. I shall try following/unfollowing and see if that helps. Thanks for letting me know though – I appreciate it 🙂

        • Did you do it? Because it’s working now 🙂

          • I did – but how weird 🙂

        • Oh, hang on. I can get it from your comment profile but I still cannot access it through my followers list. I see the address is different. On your comments profile, it comes up as: http://womanontheedgeofreality.com/ whereas on the followers list, it comes up as: http://www.womanonontheedgeofreality.com/ The only difference I can see is the www part but that’s all. Don’t know why it’s doing it but at least I know I can still access your site through your profile 🙂

          • Ah, I wonder if it has something to do with the settings although I have no idea why that would be the case – I shall investigate 🙂

            • I’m constantly having problems with followers and comments on wp. Don’t know why. Sometimes it fixes itself but I have one or two that I still have problems with 🙂

              • I’ve just spotted the same problem with one of mine too – so it gives me a starting point to find out more 🙂

              • 😀

  12. Nice. It read a bit like a children’s story (despite the big words). I love how what’s a big forest to the little worm is a grapevine to John.

    • Yes, I wanted to write something simple and enjoyable, rather than an intense metaphorical story, which is what I figured everyone else would do 😀 Thanks for visiting and thanks for the comment 🙂

  13. Karren, I hope you posted your original version, now that you know the length restriction is a bit more flexible than I thought. Your story was fine and charming the way you wrote it.

    • Yes, I posted the original and thanks 😀

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